Chapter 4

Mr. Carolla, age… worn and haggard, presents for six month recare appointment.

Upon updating patient’s medical history, clinician notices patient looking ‘sullen’ and ‘forlorn’.  Clinician asks patient, “Are you alright, Mr. Carolla?”  Patient responds with, “Yeah.  I’m fine.  Just going through some stuff right now.”  Clinician, recalling recent news article reporting legal issues surrounding patient, cocks head in ‘sympathy’.

Clinician responds, “I’m sorry to hear that.  Well, thank you for coming in today to have your teeth cleaned.”  Patient responds, “Okay, whatever.  Just hurry it along, okay, ma’am.  I think you’ve got some welfare moms taking up room in your reception area.”

Clinician, tickled pink by patient’s rude comment, decides to have some fun.

While scaling patient’s lower molars, clinician responds to patient, “You know… I’ve been reading about your legal troubles, Mr. Carolla… and I think I can help.”  Patient responds, “I hardly doubt that.”

Clinician continues, “Well, I have this patient.  He’s… formidable.  He’s just fricking enormous.  By far, this dude’s got the biggest tentacles I’ve ever seen.  Total badass.  Anyway, he takes care of things for a living.  He takes care of things.  He is a little on the testy side but I think that’s just part of the job, you know?  Anyway, his specialty is ‘taking care of things’.  Know what I mean?  He can ‘take care of things for you’.  He’s good at, ‘removing obstacles’ in your life– removing ‘certain persons suing other persons’ kinds of obstacles.  Clinician continues to nod head slowly while grinning sloppily.

Patient responds, “Really… hmm… Do you happen to have contact information for this person?”

Clinician responds while wiping up patient’s bloody gums, “I do.  But you didn’t get this information from me.  Agreed?”

Patient responds, “Agreed.”

Clinician, beaming stupidly from ear to ear, states to patient, “This patient of mine is kind of a ladies’ man, you know?  He loves the ladies.  He gets off talking about his multiple lady friends.  You gotta bring that up with him.  Oh my god, he’s hilarious!  He’ll chew your fricking arm off with the sordid details.  Mention his multiple sex partners and you will totally get his attention.  You’ll love this guy!”

Patient responds, “Thanks for the help.  You’re sort of a funny chick.  You should be writing sitcoms or something.”

Clinician responds, “Aw, you’re sweet, Mr. Carolla.  So sweet.  FOX News is so lucky to have you.  See you in six months!”